Why I Am A Bad Saint

Pattern Recognition - Why I Am A Bad Saint

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February 19th, 2013

01:19 am

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Why I Am A Bad Saint
Just to be clear about this, I am a saint. I performed three certified miracles, once upon a time, and thus was promoted from T. Rev to St. Rev, long ago. It's tested, it's proven, it's official.

I am, however, just about the lowest-grade saint ever. Here's the story of one of my miracles.

That Time I Healed a Car

So friend X had to get from Athens to Atlanta to catch a flight home, friend Y was driving him, and I was along for the ride. We were about halfway to the airport, which is to say on the highway in the middle of nowhere in particular, when Y's car broke down.

This was back in 1997, so none of us had cell phones. (I still don't!) Y pulled to the side of the road. We were miles from the nearest pay phone or other civilized amenity, so our options were limited. We all got out of the car and considered the situation. Y lifted the hood and peered at the engine. He touched it, gingerly. He got back in the car and tried to start it. He got out. We looked around. We looked at the car. Y got back in the car and tried to start it. He got out. He fiddled with a tube of some sort, hopelessly.

I looked at Y, who was staring at the engine in rapt incomprehension. I looked at X, who was getting more and more worried about missing his flight home. Y closed the hood, got back in the car, and tried to start it. He got out. I looked at the car. Well, there was no getting around this one.

I was going to have to perform a miracle.

I sighed and laid my hands on the hood. I concentrated. I visualized the smiling, idiot face of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.

"Someone's pulling over," said X.

An SUV rolled to a stop, and our friend Z got out. She was driving past, here in the middle of nowhere, and saw us at the side of the road. So she stopped, and X got in, and she drove him to the airport.

He missed his flight.

That's the story of that time I healed a car, only not, except effectively I did, except in a completely ineffective way.

Tags: filler, religion

(6 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments

From:	mizkit
Date:	February 19th, 2013 08:59 am (UTC)

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That is an AWESOME story.

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From:	littlebbob
Date:	February 20th, 2013 01:48 am (UTC)

perhaps

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Perhaps you are the patron saint of people who mistakenly think that things can't get a lot worse.

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From:	st_rev
Date:	February 20th, 2013 02:29 am (UTC)

Re: perhaps

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That seems unlikely.

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From:	richardthinks
Date:	February 21st, 2013 05:45 pm (UTC)

Re: perhaps

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those guys do need a patron saint.

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From:	richardthinks
Date:	February 21st, 2013 05:44 pm (UTC)

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I'm sold. What are the other 2 miracles?

Once I saved the day with my obscure knowledge but I can't remember how.

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From:	st_rev
Date:	February 21st, 2013 07:24 pm (UTC)

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This actually was a post-canonization miracle. The miracles leading to canonization were:

-- Channeling the Rant: Ranting is the SubGenius version of preaching. Someone in a restaurant asked me to deliver a rant on the subject of automatic teller machines. I concentrated, and a person sitting to my left started ranting about them, unprompted.

-- Organizing the Devival: Devivals are the SubGenius equivalent of revival meetings. Not much to say here except that getting SubGeniuses to actually accomplish anything organized is at least slightly miraculous.

-- Using the 700 Club as an Alternative to Pornography

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